As I sit here finishing my jar of all natural (thank god) almond butter, after a long battle with my own mind to not eat it, I am trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me those days?
Is it because i just came back from vacation? is it because of of our good friends has been diagnosed with a very aggressive breast cancer?
I have everything I need in life…A job I love (fitness instructor is very rewarding), a wonderful wife (yep I’ma lesbian shocking lol), a beautiful house, awesome friends…You name it I have it.
So what is missing in my life? What the hell is wrong with me??
Well the older I get, almost 40 yikes, the more I realize that how you grow up shapes up your entire life.
It is definitely not a big revelation but it explains a lot about who I became today and why I struggle.
I was raised in France by normal parents in a normal house with sorta normal siblings…well as it turns out not so normal as my sister is still attached to my mother’s hip at almost 50 and I haven’t talk to my brother in about 10 years but that is not the story.
We grew up kind of fat…and we never talked about it or any other feelings for that matter!
My father was like…”eat more, what the hell is wrong with you, you only had 14 pieces of chicken??” and always told us that an overweight woman was sign of a great woman…Well thanks dad lol
My sister was overweight and is still struggling to this day to and so is my mother.
As for me, from the outside looking in, I have it all like I said before..not bad looking, nice body and a hot wife!
So why am I complaining, I bet you want to know..well I am not complaining but more trying to make sense of things in order to help others figure out their shit faster.
When you grow up overweight, you are teased because kids are cruel.
When you grow up overweight, you eat your feelings away because you feel ugly, unworthy and unwanted.
When you grow up overweight, you WILL spend your whole life struggling with the feelings that make you eat.
When you grow up overweight, you WILL BE ADDICTED TO FOOD for probably the rest of your life.
So how do we do this, how do learn from all this stuff, how do we grow?
Let’s back up the story a little so we can make sense of this:
I moved to the USA 14 years ago with big dreams, an extra 10 lbs, 2 suitcases and never a day in the gym.
I already kind of knew that men were not for me but I could not figure out why…Was it because they want you to eat 14 pieces of chicken lol?
Anyway, this was my first sign of a brewing storm as I had to come to terms of being a lesbian ( and peeps there is no cure, it is not a disease) and all the shit that comes with it…no kids, no marriage, acceptance (big one), self acceptance (even bigger one), discrimination (yes still to this day!) and much more!
After many, many, too many failed relationships I finally met the love of my life and it has been smooth sailing since then, thank god!
But by then, after our first year together, I got so comfortable that I went from a size 4 to a size 12…HORRIFYING!
I had never really thought about self worth and self love until I hit that point and I realized that:
I was ugly
I was obviously fat
I was a total failure
I was not worth all the love she had for me
I was never really looking at myself in the mirror
Way to feel like shit hein?? I could not figure out what it was but I knew that there was something better out there…
I began dieting, whatever big farce that was..Monday: No breakfast, lettuce for lunch, no dinner…Tuesday: No breakfast, lettuce for lunch and coffee for dinner…Wednesday: OMG I am gonna kill somebody, fuck that diet I will stay fat, ugly and uncomfortable for the rest of my life but holy molly was that jar of peanut butter good!
What a joke! This was my life for years on top of working 60-80 hours managing a crazy busy restaurant.
Anyway, my totally absent self confidence took a good beating on this one and continued hiding my feelings behind a fat smile, a drink, a cigarette and big XLARGE t-shirt.
I took years for me to figure out what I should be doing to save my own life.
I had wings under my arms, many years of high cholesterol and high blood pressure and a collection of size 12 pants that were on the brink on explosion under the pressure of my fat ass.
So, one day, a miracle happened…I started something (well that has happened before) that I promised myself I would not give up on (again…) until I had reach a goal.
I went and took a zumba class which I fell in love with right away and somehow I never looked back from that point.
I lost the weight, started a healthy lifestyle and became a fitness instructor.
Wow, what a ride it has been…Losing the weight was so liberating, I felt so free, so awesome, so accepted.
But let’s not be fooled people, believe it or not, that is the easy part for us overweight people addicted to food!
The real struggle is first to maintain the weight loss and second to train your mind to think and live like a skinny person.
I am always, or still I should say
- counting my calories
- reading the nutrition labels
- exercising like an insane person that needs to lose 100 pounds
And I still can’t
- look at myself in the mirror and say “wow you look good today”
- focus on anything else that all my 250 flaws
- see my body as a skinny body as in my mind I still look like I did before I lost the weight.
SAD hein…well NO because every day is a struggle but every day is better than the one before as I learn to deal with the emotions that make me sit in front if the pantry and think that I could eat it all and not even worry about it, I learn to deal with self image by looking at myself and taking pictures of my imperfect body parts to show the whole world…OH NOOOO, I learn to be better and believe in myself by talking to myself up every morning and every night!
I get better by helping others achieve goals, milestones, and much more!
Every day I get stronger, smarter, funnier, sexier, hotter but on days like today I just feel like I can help you deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with being raised overweight.
Have a great day, I feel better already thank you!
Ciao for now!